Yes, I fully admit that I (well we) are in the IF closet. I haven’t told ANY of my family. He hasn’t told ANY of his.
What if our families don’t approve? I don’t want to face that rejection from them, so I keep quiet. I have one real life friend that knows exactly what is going on. I have mentioned it to another friend that had a short IF journey, but she honestly doesn’t ask me how I am or how it is going. It is very loney in my IF closet, which is why I started this blog.
There other reasons why I am not sharing this news with everyone and their mother (or my mother for that matter). We are just starting this journey. It may be a short trip, but it may be a long and winding trip around the IF village. What if these medications don’t work? What if we can’t afford to pay for the “next step”? What if my husband changes his mind and wants to stop trying? I can’t answer these questions so I certainly don’t want to be asked all the other awkward questions from well meaning family and friends. I want to avoid all the “advice” from outsiders. I don’t want my fertile friends to look at me with pity.
What if I don’t get another chance to be a mom? I feel guilty talking about our secondary infertility, even here on this blog. I conceived my two children naturally. I am pretty sure that I did have PCOS back then, it just was undiagnosed and untreated. I only have two children even though I was never on birth control. I had many “missed periods” and long cycles but none of my doctors ever connected the dots. I consider myself lucky that I had no problems conceiving them. I should be thankful I have them, and I AM. I know that there are lots of other women that haven’t had been that “lucky”. It doesn’t stop the other questions in my head. What if I don’t have a child that shares my new last name? What if we don’t have a child that is “ours”?
The biggest reason I stay in my IF closet though, is that nobody is really supportive of me having another child. That sounds kind of harsh, but it is true. Everyone thinks that another pregnancy will kill me. Why is that, you ask? Well, my pregnancy with Miss G was less than perfect. I broke my foot when I was about 7 weeks pregnant. Then I ended up developing Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Long story short, I lost 20+ pounds, was in the hospital twice, had home IV therapy, a PICC line and a NG Feeding tube. The first half of my pregnancy was less than pleasant. In fact that pregnancy is kind of “infamous” at my midwifes office. Every time I get a new nurse practitioner and she goes over my history I always hear “Are you the patient Midwife A always tells us about?” Yep! That’s me!
Even Midwife A was less than support of me having more children. When Miss G was born she recommended that I get my tubes tied. I was only 25 at the time and it was not an option I would even consider. At my last annual exam after I first met Mr.B we briefly talked about future pregnancies. At the time I was 28. She said that if I wanted to have more children I should do so before I turn 35. In my head that became a deadline.
When I went back to see her in March I asked her what if I was pushing my luck. What if I get pregnant and then get sick again? What if it puts too much stress on my body and I lose the baby? What if we both die? What if trying to complete our family rips me away from my children forever? What if the insurance won’t cover those extra procedures a second time? She couldn’t answer those questions, nobody can. We are taking the chance any way. It may happen again, it may not. I can’t see the future. At this point I am more worried about the biggest unanswerable question. What if I don’t get another chance to be a mom?
This is National Infertility Awareness Week** (NIAW: April 24-May 1)
I wish that I was ready to join in the voices and shout from the roof tops that I am infertile. I just don’t have the strength yet. I am not ready to come out of my closet. There are too many What ifs.
**For a more basic understanding of Infertility please visit:
and for the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) please visit:
Also you can check out the original “what if” list here at:
GIRL, I know ALL to well what you are talking about; but believe me–once you do you will feel sooo much better! Please know I am here for you every step of the way and will be praying for you often.
Love-Hugs and Prayers
Tiff
I too kept quiet about TTC until I realized we were having trouble. I also have PCOS. I slowly told my family who are all supportive and then hubby’s family who are supportive except for his mom. The other day she said “I hope you aren’t planning on paying to get pregnant, just have sex”. I wanted to punch her. So I can understand why would want to hold it in. I am glad you started a blog and have a place to let it all out.
Good luck! I hope your time comes soon.
[…] alone with this problem and that was a big mistake on our part. Then my wife reached out to a few infertility forums and made some really good online connections with couples that were going through a lot of the same […]
((HUGS)) Hang in there, Amber!
Great post! I love your “what ifs.” Thanks for sharing.
I love your “What If’s?” Never knowing the what teh future holds. Also, I promise you once you come out of the IF closet you will feel a little less overwhelmed in all of your TTC efforts. I don’t get the support I would like from every family member I have, but by telling my tale I have found family members that I didn’t even know struggled like me. You’re not alone and we’re here for you, so when you’re ready to shout it from the roof tops we’ll be able to hear. Hugs!
ICLW #74
I’ve never really been in the IF closet. I’m a very open person, and sometimes I wish I hadn’t told certain people. But hindsight is always perfect, right? I am glad that me and my hubbys family know about our problems. It has really cut down on the guilt trips for grandkids!
I’m sorry to hear about your struggle with secondary infertility. You have nothing to apologize for in wanting more children. Our challenges and our pain is all relative, so someone else’s infertility doesn’t top yours or vice versa.
I was subjected to a lot of comments from people about my own secondary infertility which hurt and angered me. People asked “what’s wrong with having an only?” and commented about how we could lavish our daughter with benefits like private school and great vacations. Those things are tempting, but they don’t compensate for not having a child.
I’m sorry that you feel the need to stay in the IF closet. Perhaps you could think it out, equip yourself with answers for some of the comments you get and plow through other people’s opinions and/or objections. Stay strong.
Lisa (ICLW #65 – yourgreatlife)
I’m here via Cycle Sista! I think you’re extremely smart to stay in the closet for now, there are times when I wish I could take back what I’ve said to friends & family about our infertility because every ivf cycle results in me now having to keep 101 people informed of everything the whole way along. Its a lot of pressure and very hard to ‘carry on with life’ when you constantly have people reminding you (admittedly sometimes uninentionally) of your shortfalls.
However, there are also many times when my sweet friends give me support and say the right things and genuinely keep me together, so being out of the closet isn’t all bad!
I wish you all the luck in adding to your family, there is nothing selfish about wanting more children. No one would even think twice about a fertile person having bundles of children so there is absolutely no reason why your wants are any less justified.
Hang in there ! You may feel lonely but there is plenty of support in the blogosphere, you may feel like you are not so alone soon. 🙂
I am sorry to hear that you are so alone in your journey. I am lucky to be able to talk about infertility with several people outside of my husband including my mom and some friends. My mom struggled for 7 years to have me so she certainly understands.
It’s always fun to read blogs of people living nearby – I’ll have to stop back and read more! Take care and good luck with the ttc!
Stopped by from Project IF. Thanks for writing and sharing such a beautiful What If post.
http://www.mrthompsonandme.blogspot.com
it is hard to come out and tell people about infertility b/c you can’t control how they will react/respond that day or days down the road.
hang in there, hope things work out soon.
http://www.findjoynow.blogspot.com
project IF
It’s so hard to share. Some people are wonderful, many people don’t know how to react. I’ve become very didactic – educating them. I got lucky with my mom – she does research. I wear everything out in the open; I’m not sure I could hide it. I hope you find a way to cope with it, to conquer your “what ifs” and to come out to at least one person who can be there for you IRL. Best wishes….